Punk Rock Skiing (Diary of a Menopausal Punk)

Who knew being in a band was like a second job, well a third job in my case but you get my point? Apparently everyone who has ever been in a band or lived with someone in a band! My blog has suffered as a result, there always seems to be something slightly more urgent or pressing and, as anyone who knows me, I have way too much to say so it’s been difficult narrowing it done to just a page now and again. As soon as I think of something I consider important, “ooo look a squirrel!” and I’m off thinking about something completely unrelated to the original topic. Open your computer browser to 50 different tabs and you’ll get an idea of how my brain works most days.

It would seem I apply the same scatter gun approach to writing songs (and blogs). 4 and half songs in the bag now and it’s sort of easier than I thought once I have a subject in my sights but there in lies the major problem. What the bloody hell to write about when you’ve got shit loads to say and 100 subjects you’re passionate about?

On International Women’s Day too, when there is still way too much to comment on, fight for and draw attention too. I’ve no idea what is the most important when so many things are desperate for our attention. We can only hope what we do draw attention to has some merit and connects with anyone listening. It’s a tough ask when you yourself have been inspired by so many song writers, it’s way too much to ask that something you’ve wrote hits someone the way those songs have hit you over the years. But that’s not the plan, not yet anyway. I can only write things that resonant with me and hopefully they’ll last long enough to connect with someone, somewhere.

So the learning curve continues, not so much a curve but a mad spiral of learning from others creativity and experience. I’m canny lucky that my band colleagues let me go where I need to go with the lyrics and so far it’s paying off, with their guidance.

It’s coming up to a year since we lost Craig and the band is now a completely different entity, I think he would approve but in all honesty we’ll never know. I like to think the spirit in which it was started is still there and he’d like the new songs, even just for the reasons they exist. He was big on injustice, our mate, and we’re definitely still following his path.

Next up some canny gigs, supporting the Rezillos, off to new venues like The Angel in Durham with Zero Tolerance and more at the Westgarth, Middlesbrough.

It feels like something is brewing, hopefully I’ll have time to write more before it boils over!

So I’d like to report that the lack of blogging has been down to too much Rock ‘n Roll and partying but the truth is far more mundane…… menopausal woman can’t remember her login details for blog. And then promptly blogs on the wrong page!

Anyway here’s the next instalment of punk rock skiing and a lot has happened since the last entry. 3 gigs, 2 new songs, lyric writing, and a learning curve that would give the red arrows palpitations. All that and a weird new landscape of band and social politics that has been a real eye-opener. Punk Rock for all its inclusivity and way-ahead-of-its-times attitudes still has its bastions of patriarchy and outdated right wing rhetoric.
I’ve always know it’s there, it generally stands in the shadows rolling it’s eyes at anything remotely progressive or even kind but it’s rarely brave enough to be front and centre. Funny though, the view from the stage really does bring clearer vision. It’s not that my views are now more important or even more interesting now I’m in a band, but the response to them definitely is.

It’s all really made me examine why we are doing what we are doing, what we are saying and what stance we are making. And if you are one of the people who recently have contributed to me having a better understanding of that then thank you.
By making such a strong and unapologetic stance are we “splitting the scene”, are we just interested in playing to like-minded people or do we try and challenge preconceived ideas?
All valid and serious points but there’s another perspective and one that’s becoming much clearer to me. It’s not about standing up and saying “look at me, what I’m saying is right and we want you to think the same way”. I’m an arrogant get but even I don’t think that’s the way to reach people. Some people don’t want to see things my way, why should they? I don’t have their experiences, I don’t know what brought them to this point and why ffs should they listen to a 49 year old menopausal woman who reckons she might have worked somethings out in those 49 years if it has no bearing on their reality, right now.

So yes, we’re preaching to the already converted, we won’t share platforms with anyone that on or off stage prevents that inclusivity that is so important to our scene, because here’s the whole point, we can’t change anyone’s mind if they’ve already set themselves up in opposition to the message. It’s not our job and shouldn’t be.

Our point, if we have one at all, is to let those people in the audience or in the scene that feel left out, oppressed or just tired by the what they see around them that I see you, we see you!
The young lass that loves going to punk gigs but didn’t realise Sid the Sexist was still alive and kicking, we know, I’ve spoken to you about how much it means to see an unapologetic woman on stage.
To the lad who thought he’d found his tribe but still hears shouts of “fag”, we hear it too, we see you.
To anyone who feels it’s all going backwards to the dark old days, that’s who the message is for, not the ones who yearn to go back there. You’ll never know what it means just to have someone say, we know, we see, we stand with you. We might not be able to stop it, we might not be able to change anyone that doesn’t stand with you but we’re here, we will call it out and you are not alone.

“When you’re in a battle with an enemy, so much bigger, so much stronger than you, well to find out you had a friend you never knew existed, well that’s the best feeling in the world!” Pride 2014

…talk about a different perspective!

We did it! First gig done and none of the disastrous outcomes I’d envisaged came to pass. I didn’t trip over, I didn’t fall off the stage and I didn’t forget any words. And they are just the minor setbacks I’d planned for!
Mind I did miss my first ever sound check but I’m keeping that story for my memoirs and when we get interviewed backstage after we’ve played The Royal Albert Hall.

The gig and band were fantastic but what I really want to address this post of the blog to is anyone who has imposter syndrome or has ever felt “not good enough” for whatever reason. And yes, I realise this is literally everyone at some point in their life.

To say it’s been a revelation doesn’t begin to cover it. I was already analysing why I’d even been asked to join and to sing for such an amazing band. I was finding it really hard to trust other people’s judgement especially as it was at odds with my own, heavily ingrained idea of my own identity. We’ve all been there at some point, “you look great”, well thanks but I know I don’t. “Wow that thing you did was GREAT!”, well, ok, but I know I could have done it better. “You’re so good at that”, I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing.

When you have a life-long saboteur living in your head it’s a bizarre situation when that is challenged. You suddenly realise that no-one, literally no other person on the planet views you the way you view yourself. And nothing throws that into such stark relief as standing on a stage, dressed in all your insecurities for everyone to see.

The first photos started filtering through on facebook and my first thoughts weren’t “wow, look at me, standing there doing something I NEVER thought I’d be able to do, that’s amazing!” Nope my first thought was “How ironic, I’m wearing a Riots Not Diets t-shirt and you can’t read all the words because of my fat rolls!” I don’t want to sound vain or superficial but that’s how it is, our identity is so wrapped up in our actual image that that was the first thing to hit me. It didn’t last long, I had to make a conscious decision to embrace it and realise that if I’m going to represent Slalom D then how I look is the least important part of the equation.
We have a message and we have a reason for doing this and none of that has anything to do with “look” or “image”. And of all the comments and support we’ve had not a single one has been about how we looked on stage.

So in the words of one of my major influences Poly Stryrene, I’ve become a cliché! I’m that woman, that never, ever felt good enough. As a daughter, as a wife, as a sister, as an auntie, as a friend or a colleague. I never felt I fitted in anywhere, I was winging everything I’ve ever done and was always looking up to someone else and admiring their strength and talent. And here’s the cliché, I never noticed that what I was, what I was doing, was good enough, to someone.
So I’m going to try to avoid that life coach shite that never rang true for me about “loving yourself” and “embracing yourself” because it’s virtually impossible when you can’t see yourself for anything other than what your inner saboteur lets you see BUT you need to lift your head sometimes and look outside of yourself, see yourself through someone else’s eyes. Someone is looking up to you, someone thinks you’re canny amazing and you don’t need to join a band to see that either.

It doesn’t matter if it’s knitting, making a cake, looking after your family or slobbing out and reading a book in your pants (don’t judge me). You need to own that shit! This isn’t a spectator sport, this is your only chance at this life, you don’t have to do anything spectacularly bizarre or be better than everyone else you just have to do what you do and know it’s enough. You’re enough!

And here endth the rather pompous life lesson from Fe, thanks for sticking with me this far unlike my frigging tena lady at the gig. (Surely they can make those things more secure?)

PS, to my band mates, Iain, Tony and Gary. Thank you, this feels right and I’ll never be able to repay you for all the pep talks, advice and support. We’re fucking great and I can’t wait to see what WE do!

I turn 49 in two months, not that this is remarkable in anyway, or maybe it is considering all the bad lifestyle choices I’ve managed to cram in during that time? But it does seem to me, an advanced age to be starting a whole new adventure in Punk. How and when it happened will be divulged later (if I can remember how to access the blog and the details for that matter). Memory seems to be the latest casualty in the battle of the menopause so you’ll have to bare with me, I can barely remember what order to put my clothes on so how I’m going to memorise lyrics to 12 songs remains to be seen. Anyway today, 8 days after being invited to join Slalom D and only 9 days after being on stage for the very first time we went into the recording studio. Now as a middle aged woman, who is already behind in her band “subs” and has had no input so far, I did the only thing I could think of. I turned up with home-made pies. My contribution to the great alchemy of making music was to bring pastry. If you don’t feel like you can contribute, give ’em all heartburn!

In at the deep end then, and apparently I can swim! The whole process was relatively pain free thanks to my band mates and the lovely Fred Purser and I’ve come to the weird realisation that an idea I’ve held on to all my life maybe wrong.
I might just be able to sing after all.
This seems a bit much to be dealing with when I already have my hands full dealing with a fresh batch of facial hair and mood swings that make Ming the Merciless look like a reasonable sort of chap but least I have something to blame when the ‘diva’ gene kicks in I suppose.

So, it’s done for now. The songs are recorded and I’m just waiting to hear how it all sounds before the next great hurdle, THE FIRST GIG, looms on the horizon. Three more songs to learn (praying that they don’t take up room in my addled brain that I use for important stuff, like walking) and I can finally say, with confidence…. I’m in a band!